Hospitality--Lenten Prayer Group

Last year, I invited ladies to come and pray at my house once a week during Lent. Usually, it was two or three, once it was only one, and we prayed a Rosary and celebrated the thought that "where two or three are gathered in My name...."

I am part of a group of ladies that meet about once a month to discuss a faith-based book.  I was invited by a mom shortly after we started our kids at our parish school. It was a wonderful experience for me to meet women strong in their faith as I was just beginning to develop mine. I attended RCIA (series of meetings to learn about the Catholic faith, kind of "Catechism for adults" in preparation for becoming a Catholic) that same year.

The ladies take turns hosting the group, which is usually 5-7 women and choosing books of interest. I have hosted a couple times. It is often a late night, and I appreciate getting to just walk upstairs and go to bed, lol.  I am free during the day, though, and like to use the opportunity to do book studies during the week that don't take away from family time. I have, for the past couple of years, been attending studies at church, but the woman that hosted them has switched to doing one at night, and so this year I have not joined another.

So, I just sent out another invite for a Lenten prayer meet-up this year. I have the advantage of a go-to list of people to invite (our book group has a Facebook page). I will probably invite a few others whom I know who aren't on FB and a new neighbor down the street whom I know attends my church. My house could be cleaner, and hopefully, it will be before we get started in another week or so, LOL. I welcome little kids so that mamas can join--something that they sometimes don't feel comfortable doing at a prayer group/bookstudy at church--and try to pull out some things to keep kids busy.  Last year, we met up early after school drop-off, so I put out some food, but realized it might be nice to have some more toddler-friendly breakfasty offerings too, so I will plan to do that.

It will be Lent, and all, so I will try to have some fairly "clean" offerings. In 20 minutes, I've already
got two people hoping to come! :) The good thing about doing this is that it is once a year, during a time of year that we are not prepping for holidays, and here in the Great White North, are not doing a lot of outside work. It is a quiet time of year.I think it is good, too, because it is a time of year that people (um, I) tend to hole up and hide. Meeting up with a few friends helps to chase away the winter psychosis doldrums. Having people weekly keeps me in routine of cleaning, too. ;) The group is small, so it's not a huge outlay of food and drink. OK, there may be a lot of coffee consumed...just a hunch...

Evaluating Where You Are--Goals (Maggie)

Maybe the first step to figuring out where you are is to figure out where you want to be. If I am already where I want to be, then where I am doesn't really matter, I suppose. However, I am not where I want to be in many places. So, I am brainstorming here.

I would like to have the following things happening in all areas of my life(some of them are very specific, and others are more general):

Self:

Mind:

Learn to play an instrument

Growing in Holiness (Spirit):

prayer time daily
Weekday Mass every other Wed., Thursdays and Fridays

Appearance:

have a simple, functional wardrobe that fits and flatters
look pulled together
take care of teeth
take care of skin
new makeup (essentially out of base)
new glasses (prescription has changed...6 months ago)
clean glasses

Exercise:

Regular exercise
eat in a way that works for me

Poise:

posture
more self-confidence, in general

Work on demeanor, get comfortable with table manners, get comfortable welcoming people into our home

Home:

Cleaning:

put away last of Christmas decorations by Feb. 2
Organize basement storage (utilize above-garage storage)

keep house company ready

Living room and upstairs carpets need cleaning
master bedroom needs painted
girls' bedroom needs painted
laundry room needs painted
Spring:
start garden
mulch
trim painted/replaced

Food:

meal plans
dinner every night
more from-scratch foods
weekend breakfast at least one day

Money:

stay on top of coursework, create new instructional videos
spend time daily on writing
find and pursue opportunities

Others:

Relationships:

Have friends over or go out with friends at least once a month (grown ups, not kids' friends)
Invite kids' friends over at least once a month (per kid)
Visit or be visited by family at least once a month
more real-life interaction with people
Be more comfortable with those interactions (build confidence)

Hospitality:

Provide a meal for pastors or others every 2-3 months
(see above)
Son #1 18th birthday May
Son#2 15th birthday June
Plan and prep for graduation party in June

Building Community:

(see above)
Be active at kids' schools/church

Family:

lose my bad attitude
Less yelling
*bedtime
*mornings
more time enjoying my family

Home:

put away last of Christmas decorations by Feb. 2
Organize basement storage (utilize above-garage storage)

keep house company ready

Living room and upstairs carpets need cleaning
master bedroom needs painted
girls' bedroom needs painted
laundry room needs painted

Spring:
start garden
mulch
trim painted/replaced





SO, there's plenty here to work toward. There are a lot of places where I have made great progress.  Some of that has to do with life stage. Some of these goals are just easier for me to progress toward because my kids are not toddlers and I work from home. However, there is no reason to forgo goals because of the age of your kids or because you work full time. All the more important to evaluate what you want to happen--you have less time and energy to devote to making your life what you want it to be, so you have to work smarter! Figure out what is most important, and start there!!!

With some of these things, I have deadlines to meet. I don't  get to put off my son's graduation, as much as I would like to. That means. also, there are a lot of household projects that have to be taken care of in preparation too.  The goal is to prioritize and make sure I am taking care of myself AND that this is all being conducted gracefully. It is not going to be a fun time if I am pulling my hair out getting the house ready for a month before graduation. And, care needs to be taken that we observe the birthdays, particularly that of my 15 year old because he always manages to get the short end of the stick....Do you have a kid that seems to happen to?  He's very laid back, and, well, it just seems to happen. Relatives forget his birthday, even when they remember my other kids.  A year and a half ago, we put our house on the market 5 days after his birthday, and we were in the midst of doing every home improvement project we had not managed to do in the twelve years we lived there, and his birthday barely got recognized. Then, he tried to have a party at the end of the summer after we moved, and half the boys he wanted to have over were on vacation. :( So, this is important. Some things tend to overlap categories, and that is OK.  Multitasking can be a good thing.

If you, right this minute, were conducting your life with grace (not that you are not!), taking care of yourself and your family, living joyfully, striving for holiness, sharing your gifts, and creating community, what would that mean? What things would you be doing? Don't limit yourself here. This isn't an exercise in figuring out what we can actually achieve right this minute. This is figuring out what we would like to achieve , what is most important, and how to do that--gracefully, I might add.

Things to Consider

For years I fought this whole notion of needing time to myself...

Look, for years, I fought this whole notion of needing time to myself. I really did. It sounded selfish. My babies needed me. And they did. Really, I still don't understand women with small children heading to Hati for mission work. I hope I am not offending anyone right off the bat. Our mission, when we are gifted by God with kids, is our family. But, there needs to be some balance. There needs to be time for showers and prayer and exercise (not necessarily in that order). Being a mom and a wife requires grace in huge amounts. God has it and can share it with us, but we have to receive it, and we cannot receive it if we are not taking the time to do so. It doesn't have to be huge amounts of time, I don't think.

We need to build those connections

All I know is, I think if I had actually stepped away now and then a little more, I would have been more focused and had more to give to my kids.  As it is, I was and am tired and grouchy and easily annoyed. The past 5 years has brought us closer to having community than we have ever had, but we need to work to nurture that.  Our circle, while I *believe* we could rely upon them, is unreliable, and that includes family. If something really extreme occurred, I believe they would come through, but in the general ups and downs, there are people who do not and I am not sure will show up unless it is convenient. That's probably true of us for them, too, but we need to build those connections.

Prayer and exercise are basic, like clipping toenails and brushing your teeth

And, when I say, "stepped away now and then a little more," I don't mean weekend jaunts with my husband (although that sounds nice now that my kids are older).  I didn't really leave my kids overnight until my youngest was 4, and I am OK with that. But, I needed to step away for taking care of myself. Not spa days and pedicures (again, that sounds nice), but basic exercise and self-care.  Do not delude yourself into thinking that prayer and exercise are not as basic as clipping your toenails and brushing your teeth. Really.


 I am talking from experience here. I stopped exercising when I got pregnant with my oldest.  I figure I was at the very end of doctors who did not think it was OK to exercise during pregnancy. That started a long downward spiral.  I tried to join the Y when my third was about a year old, but ten minutes into the workout, I got called down to the KidZone because someone tried to change my daughter's diaper and she freaked out. My three year old was in tears because no one let him play on the video game. It just did not go well. I did not really start exercising with any regularity again until my youngest was 4, and it was still a battle because she hated the KidZone too.

 I had several rounds of Zoloft, particularly postpartum, and it really only served to make me feel numb.  I kind of need guilt in my  life to make me recognize where I am going wrong, and I kind of lacked it while on Zoloft. At least half of the women I know with small children are on anti-depressants. Honestly, when I started working out, it changed my life because moving my body even for a short bit--10 minutes at first--to the point of needing to think about breathing created mental results that were far better than any anti-depressant. If someone had taken me by the shoulders and told me, "Look, Maggie, you just HAVE to do this.  Find a way.  You don't have to do P90X. Just short, intense work. That will make a huge difference." I am not poo-pooing antidepressants. They have a time and place, but, seriously, we need to take care of ourselves, and we can't think of exercise as something we do when we have time and energy. It just has to happen.  Everybody knows that if you don't exercise a dog, bad things happen. They get ornery and problematic and destructive. Why do we think we can go without?

Really, honestly, when I started praying and exercising regularly, things started to work a little better, in general.  I am not saying everything was suddenly perfect, but problems are less overwhelming. I can also see when I have slacked on one or both over the past few years, things suffer. Mostly I suffer and my family suffers. :0P Taking care of myself enables me to respond gracefully  to situations that I might otherwise not be able to muster up the confidence to face nor the strength to respond to with grace.

Here's the Plan!

So, here's what I am thinking: each week, we work on goals to achieve a more gracious demeanor and environment.  The goals may be different for each person, as all of us are on our own individual journey and at different places in different areas.  Ari and I will reflect upon our own goals and areas where we need improvement and how to do that, and we hope that you will share your own ideas and experiences in this regard in the comments!


If it feels like things are totally out of control, then maybe you only address one area, with a particular caveat:   it either needs to be taking care of you, or you need to include something to take care of you first. We cannot give grace unless we first receive it. And, again, I say that from experience after years of not taking care of myself.

 Not every subcategory will be addressed every week; these are all just areas to consider.

Areas of Focus:

Self:

Mind:
Growing in Holiness (Spirit):
Appearance:
Exercise:
Poise:

Home:

Cleaning:
Food:
Money:

Others:

Relationships:
Hospitality:
Building Community:
Family:

Keep in mind, the purpose of this is not to make ourselves better, but to place ourselves in a position to reach out to others, to share Christ with others, if not in word, through kindness, action, and service. So, give thought and prayer to what things you might need to do in these areas to reach a place from whence you can feel comfortable reaching out to others. Not just for creating your own safety net (I may have made it sound that way elsewhere), but for creating a safety net for others.

It's not about you (me)

So often in my adult life, I have heard this phrase ringing in my ears.  Yes, it sounds just like pop-psychologist, Oprah's friend Dr. Phil: "It's not abouut YOUUU." I'll admit, sometimes it rings in my ears as it applies to others, but very often, it applies to me.

This whole project--me--trying to  present myself gracefully--is not really about me. It is, in the sense that I need to feel comfortable putting myself out there, but the purpose of that is to serve others. Yes, I think when everything boils down, there are perks. I've even read books on purgatory discussing the fact that we pray for the dead [Catholic theology alert], and, yes, that's about as generous as one gets because no one is going to know and there aren't really immediate visible benefits for showing mercy for the dead. However, if we show them mercy, then, certainly, they will show us the same and pray for us when we find ourselves in similar circumstances, so...there it is again. I don't expect things in return, but in many ways, providing hospitality and carrying oneself gracefully, these things have their own rewards built in.

I am sure as we proceed, it will be apparent that I do get annoyed when things don't go as I expect and others do not show the proper etiquette or appreciation.  I know that because as I have tried to extend myself, I've already experienced it. Part of this process, and part of the reason for talking about it, then, is to be prepared--to prepare myself better, and to prepare anyone else who might be inclined to hear my experience--to accept even the annoying and the unappreciative responses to my efforts in a graceful manner and to find ways to make those situations easier on both me and others.

I want to demonstrate a way of living--of welcoming, of sharing, of supporting others--to my kids. I want to develop those habits in myself so that I do better, not just with people we invite into our home or encounter outside of it, but with those of us that actually live here.  Sometimes, showing welcoming, sharing, and supporting each other is about the last thing we are thinking about in our own homes.  I have said to my kids numerous times: "You would never treat someone you met at school or on the street that way. WHY is it OK for you to treat your brother/sister that way?"

At core here is that anyone can do this. It doesn't take money. It doesn't take a fancy house. Those things are nice, but we don't want to spend our lives saying, "When we get..." It tends to waste the time we have.  I cannot tell you the number of people I have heard about dying within weeks or months of their retirements.  How many things did they put off for "when we retire"?  We don't have time.  My oldest graduates from high school in six months. I don't have time. My baby is nine, Yes, not having toddlers in the house makes things different.  Getting a full night's sleep most nights makes a difference, but I can tell you, I wish I had found ways to welcome others more sooner. I wish I had done a better job of taking care of myself for the last seventeen years. Again, because there would have been benefits to all of us, despite whatever trouble or annoyance that comes with making the effort.

It takes stretching. It takes effort. It creates some awkward and uncomfortable situations. I tend to be somewhat introverted.  I take time to warm up to people. And even after I start feeling comfortable, then I'm second guessing myself and feeling uncomfortable again. I shouldn't have said that. I should have said this. I should have shut up.  Maybe, probably, I think too much about it. Maybe I just need more opportunities for practice. I can hope that the people I encounter are willing to give me more opportunities. Making this effort is worthwhile, and I need to find ways to be comfortable with occasionally being uncomfortable because the payoff is huge.

-Maggie

Getting Started

It is January 2016.  This seems like the perfect place to start.  Let's just say this is a work in progress.  The goal is to live graciously. We will talk more about what that means and how we are trying to achieve that.

There are many factors that  have led me to this place...46 1/2 years old and really having no solid concept of how to graciously have guests in my home, other than maybe family, and familiarity often leads to a less-than-gracious atmosphere in my home, how to properly carry myself in public, how to feel comfortable in my own skin so that I can carry that grace to others, be a light to others, if only my own children.

Encountering people is awkward.  I once ran into a new neighbor in the checkout lane in Target. My girls told me that the woman standing behind us was my neighbor--I actually did not know.

"I hear we are neighbors," I said.

She said, "Oh, yeah, you moved into one of the houses at the end of the street--which one?"

I couldn't remember the name of the family and stammered a bit, then between us, we came up with the name.

"Yes," I said.

"Funny," she said.

Interrupted by check-out, neither one of us actually introduced ourselves.

I would have felt totally awkward and inept, except that I realized that she was equally so (is that justified?).  I later said to my husband, "This is what happens when two socially unskilled people run into each other." Pathetic.

Even when I get together with friends, I realize I should have said this, or offered that, or just shut my mouth a whole lot more. I am fast to want to share my story of how I relate to something someone else said without just listening to them and hearing them, or even if I am listening and hearing, probably making it appear that I really am not.

We are all so often separated from each other. It is even easy to be a part of a church community and simply go to Mass and leave without really connecting with anyone else around us.  This is not a good way to live. I often consider what happens if we face a crisis, with our nearest family an hour and a half a way and not being connected with friends or neighbors. It is a process, figuring out how to make community, figuring out how to feel comfortable reaching out to others. It is not something that I have been taught to do. Even in college, my circles were small. It is so easy to keep them that way.  I want to talk about creating a home and a community for my family and those around me. Because in so many ways, I don't know how to do that, this is a living experiment, of sorts, but I want to share it with others, because, I suspect, there are more people out there like me, who wish to find a way to connect to the world around them and create a fuller, richer life for their family.

-Maggie